215-word Survival Instructions for Improbable Situations – Hair in Your Food

Ever gagged on a hair that stuck to the back of your tongue? It’s one of the worst feelings.

Worse is the feeling of pulling the slick long hair you nearly finished swallowing back up your throat and across your tongue.

Worse than that is realizing the hair is not yours and this isn’t a ‘nice’ restaurant.

Here’s what to do:

Drape that hair across the table to dry out.

Wave the waiter/waitress over and ask what’s the cook’s secret to their interesting omelets. When told what it is (pepper, garlic powder, nothing) look flummoxed. Swear there is something familiar about the omelet, something perm-like about the eggs. Invite the waiter/waitress to have a bite; call it a “hair-raising experience”. They will refuse.

If they haven’t caught on to your subtlety don’t be alarmed. If they HAVE, you know hairy food is common here.

Now ask the waiter/waitress for “an evidence bag, er, doggy bag.”  If they still don’t get it, cut straight to the chase.

“Sir/ma’am, I don’t like hair in my omelets and that one was in mine.”

As they apologize, do make sure to be clear about what you expect from them.

“I expect a fistful of the chef’s hair on a saucer as a side-dish, NOT mixed in. Free of charge!”

215-word Survival Instructions for Improbable Situations - Your Anklet is Caught in a Malfunctioning Escalator . . . Of Death! . . .

This is a clear shout-out to my hippy fans (fans that are hippies, not fans who are also fans of hippies) but it is just as relevant to everyone else. If you don’t wear an anklet, substitute pants cuff or skirt hem or bathrobe.

Step One:

Fall down.

Step Two:

Shout “Whoa, man!” but quickly assure those around you of “no worries.”

Step Three:

Claw through the haze of your trip toward the reality of your situation while the anklet twists ever tighter against your skin.

Step Four:

Remark that this is “heavy” or “the least righteous thing you’ve seen all.”

Step Five:

Now that the anklet is imbedded into your flesh and swiftly cutting into muscle, become mildly alarmed.

Also decide you’ve had enough of this “drag” and resolve to do something about it.

Step Six:

Make a quick-ish mental note about the metaphor you are experiencing (application of said metaphor to strike you later).

Step Seven:

Rebuff offers to help from any concerned “the man” as a cover for them finding an opportunity to oppress you in their sly capitalist corporate ways.

Step Eight:

Unstrap your guitar and sing a song about your now liberated foot. Make clear it is now free to walk its own path without being slave to your expectations.

Now it's your turn to write fake survival instructions for YOUR ANKLET IS CAUGHT IN A MALFUNCTIONING ESCALATOR OF DEATH! . . .

215-word Survival Instructions for Improbable Situations - You've been placed in a giant alien's pinata . . .

Everyone knows giant aliens plan on collecting us for their kids’ birthday party piñatas. Our ancestors have been warning us about this ever since this famous Ecuadorian rock art that I most certainly did not make up!

 So once you’re in, here’s how to survive.

Step One: Location, location, location.

If the piñata is a traditional star shape or some type of person/animal effigy, try to climb through the twist of bodies to an appendage of the piñata.

This assumes you are alive.

Step Two: Lie.

Encourage everyone else to play dead “because alien kids will leave you alone if you aren’t wiggling.” You are lying and now you have first dibs on hand-holds. Alien kids are like human kids when it comes to candy. We don’t like it moving.

Step Three: Fall on the corpses.

You will eventually fall. Use everyone else as a cushion.

Step Four: Dance!

Put on a real show! Use the hats and such of the dead around you as props – even use the bodies. Really sell it. Maybe you can be a pet instead of the snack that spoils an alien kid’s supper.

Step Five: Go out with attitude.

If you must be eaten, spoil an alien kid’s supper so he gets in trouble.

Now it's your turn to write fake survival instructions for YOU'VE BEEN PLACED IN A GIANT ALIEN'S PINATA . . .