215-word Survival Instructions for Improbable Situations – Hair in Your Food

Ever gagged on a hair that stuck to the back of your tongue? It’s one of the worst feelings.

Worse is the feeling of pulling the slick long hair you nearly finished swallowing back up your throat and across your tongue.

Worse than that is realizing the hair is not yours and this isn’t a ‘nice’ restaurant.

Here’s what to do:

Drape that hair across the table to dry out.

Wave the waiter/waitress over and ask what’s the cook’s secret to their interesting omelets. When told what it is (pepper, garlic powder, nothing) look flummoxed. Swear there is something familiar about the omelet, something perm-like about the eggs. Invite the waiter/waitress to have a bite; call it a “hair-raising experience”. They will refuse.

If they haven’t caught on to your subtlety don’t be alarmed. If they HAVE, you know hairy food is common here.

Now ask the waiter/waitress for “an evidence bag, er, doggy bag.”  If they still don’t get it, cut straight to the chase.

“Sir/ma’am, I don’t like hair in my omelets and that one was in mine.”

As they apologize, do make sure to be clear about what you expect from them.

“I expect a fistful of the chef’s hair on a saucer as a side-dish, NOT mixed in. Free of charge!”