215-word Apology - "Sorry I Called You Phat and Didn't Clarify"

When we were all gathered around the doughnuts after the ridiculously long sensitivity training how could anyone expect conversation to stay on the up-and-up for long? I didn't, and quite frankly we should be proud to have lasted three minutes before going juvenile.

Richard made an odd comment about Todd's skin jeans that could have been construed as homophobic, sexist, or innocent. Then it was on. Everyone was in stitches about how sensitive everyone else seemed to be about even the most banal things. I was laughing along. You showed up at exactly the wrong time and I apologize for choosing you as the subject of my comparison when you didn't know the context of the conversation.

I said, "Take Sandy, here. She's phat and I think you'd all agree."

You ran off crying before I could explain that was phat with a 'ph' not an 'f'. Everyone understood what I meant besides you.

I hear you are now filing a restraining order? That seems a tad extreme, don't you think? Is it because when I confronted you about this the first time I used words like dope ("that's dope") and you misunderstood that too?

Honestly, the only thing woth apologizing about is you apologizing for being slang-illiterate. But sorry anyway.

215-word Apology - "Sorry I Washed My Hands in Your Soup . . ."

I thought it was Chet's soup. You know, from accounting? He would have deserved it.

215-word Apology - "Sorry I gave your ADD-Riddled Kid a Kazoo as a Party Favor."

It’s the Dollar Store’s fault, really.

I went to get party favors for Johnny’s 7^th birthday party but only had $19 left in the budget and still needed a cake. That was a disaster. If it makes you feel better, the store messed up on the cake. I was so frazzled I didn’t think about the gifts hard enough. You can blame the bakery, really.

I didn’t even consider what your kid would do with that kazoo. Within two-minutes I was ready to strangle him so I can only imagine what the last week has been like for you. It’s God’s fault for giving us hearing, really.

Ten kids were coming to the party; what was I supposed to do! My choices for ten matching little gifts were kazoos or army men with plastic parachutes. You know Johnny; he’s too ‘sensitive’ for army stuff. And I couldn’t get five boy things and five girl things in this day and age – It’s the liberal sympathizers fault for making us all equal, really.

I promise to sneak in and steal the kazoo back if you want. You can blame the tooth fairy or something.

If not, I have enclosed a free copy of a book that will really improve your situation.

Again, I’m sorry.

Now it's your turn to write a fake apology for GIVING A KAZOO AS A PARTY FAVOR TO YOUR ADD-RIDDLED KID . . .

215-word Apology - "Sorry I stepped on your cat's tail during the murder-mystery party."

While playing the part of Jimmy, former-prom king-turned politician, at your murder-mystery dinner party I accidentally stepped on your cat, Ms. Princess’, tail. I am deeply sorry for this. I too had a cat that was more a family member than pet until it accidently died by BB gun.

Somehow, in my enthusiasm to create a believable possible fake murder suspect in the game I lost all sense of my surroundings. My kitty-senses were dulled, perhaps by the yak-urine smelling dinner jacket costume you provided. I did not see Ms. Princess strutting through the room in her sweater and unwittingly stepped on her tail. It is by the grace of God that I somehow kept from transferring my whole weight onto her tail. Thank goodness! Who knows the damage that would have happened! With a damaged tail, her equilibrium would have been ruined for life. She would never have been able to lounge in a windowsill again!

The sassy jig I danced afterwards was not meant to hurt the kitty’s tender feelings. Neither was my pantomimed mooning of the cat. Thankfully you were able to put the party on hold while you comforted Ms. Princess.

I am so sorry and understand if you want to exclude me from murder-mystery parties forever.

Now it's your turn to write a fake apology for STEPPING ON YOUR CAT'S TAIL DURING THE MURDER MYSTERY PARTY . . .