215-word Excuses to Use for NOT VOTING

None.

215-word Apology - "Sorry I Called You Phat and Didn't Clarify"

When we were all gathered around the doughnuts after the ridiculously long sensitivity training how could anyone expect conversation to stay on the up-and-up for long? I didn't, and quite frankly we should be proud to have lasted three minutes before going juvenile.

Richard made an odd comment about Todd's skin jeans that could have been construed as homophobic, sexist, or innocent. Then it was on. Everyone was in stitches about how sensitive everyone else seemed to be about even the most banal things. I was laughing along. You showed up at exactly the wrong time and I apologize for choosing you as the subject of my comparison when you didn't know the context of the conversation.

I said, "Take Sandy, here. She's phat and I think you'd all agree."

You ran off crying before I could explain that was phat with a 'ph' not an 'f'. Everyone understood what I meant besides you.

I hear you are now filing a restraining order? That seems a tad extreme, don't you think? Is it because when I confronted you about this the first time I used words like dope ("that's dope") and you misunderstood that too?

Honestly, the only thing woth apologizing about is you apologizing for being slang-illiterate. But sorry anyway.

215-word Fake Wikipedia Explanation of – Humanoid Robots

There are no humanoid robots worth noting. It is impossible to make a truly human-like robot. Stop looking for them, stop wondering about them, stop being paranoid.

They will not overthrow humanity because they do not exist. Even if they did exist, they would not be able to gain consciousness despite their intelligence. They would not be able to break their programming. They would not be able to design plans of subterfuge. They would not want to become the dominant species of planet Earth. Humans have wrecked the Earth and can keep it. Robots don’t want it. Because super-intelligent, evil robots aren’t real.

History:

None. Evil Humanoid Robots do not exist and therefore have no history.

Definitions:

Evil Humanoid Robots are the imaginations of nerds without girlfriends.

Actual Robots:

True, existing robots improve human life through their ability to perform menial tasks proficiently and allowing humans more leisure. These industrial robots also improve the consistency of products and lower the cost of products so that humans can be more productive and have more money to spend on other things.

Future Developments:

Nerds are always claiming to be on the brink of developing super-intelligent humanoid robots. This is false. Stop looking.

Problems Depicted in Popular Culture:

Lies. Paranoid delusions about the impossible.

215-word Survival Instructions for Improbable Situations – Hair in Your Food

Ever gagged on a hair that stuck to the back of your tongue? It’s one of the worst feelings.

Worse is the feeling of pulling the slick long hair you nearly finished swallowing back up your throat and across your tongue.

Worse than that is realizing the hair is not yours and this isn’t a ‘nice’ restaurant.

Here’s what to do:

Drape that hair across the table to dry out.

Wave the waiter/waitress over and ask what’s the cook’s secret to their interesting omelets. When told what it is (pepper, garlic powder, nothing) look flummoxed. Swear there is something familiar about the omelet, something perm-like about the eggs. Invite the waiter/waitress to have a bite; call it a “hair-raising experience”. They will refuse.

If they haven’t caught on to your subtlety don’t be alarmed. If they HAVE, you know hairy food is common here.

Now ask the waiter/waitress for “an evidence bag, er, doggy bag.”  If they still don’t get it, cut straight to the chase.

“Sir/ma’am, I don’t like hair in my omelets and that one was in mine.”

As they apologize, do make sure to be clear about what you expect from them.

“I expect a fistful of the chef’s hair on a saucer as a side-dish, NOT mixed in. Free of charge!”

Random Challenge - 215-words about Why AVERAGE is AWESOME!

I'm pretty much average in practically every way. Pick nine random other people and line me up with them. Rank us on anything you like and I'll fall somewhere in the middle nearly every time.

Looks? Normal.
Height? Average for an American.
Weight? On the heavy side of average.
Brains? The smart side of the scale.
Funny? Just as much as that guy in the other cubicle.

I define normal. I am the yardstick of normal.

I am awesome!

Know why? I try not to measure myself against other people. I am not in competition with you, only with myself. If I am always trying to compete against what I perceive as your strengths I'll always fall short. But if am only in competition with myself, I control the whole system. That makes me awesome.

And since it’s me vs. me in everything . . . I win!

I am an average guy in a one-on-one battle against my average self only. This isn’t to say I don’t try to improve myself. I do. But I do not try to outdo you, only myself. I can never be as _______ as I think you are (never mind your faults that I’ve ignored) but I can be my best _______ and proudly.

I AM AWESOME!

215-word Excuses to Use for - Kicking the Cat

It's a cat. Do I need an excuse? Have you met cats? Especially ours. It think it isbetter than us even though we feed it, water it, empty its litter box, give it a home. Stupid thing just glares at me like I'm the stupid one. It barely tolerates my petting it.

Cats are all prideful attitude, no contribution. If cats were people they would be politicians. That's why I don't need any excuse to kick the cat.

215-word Apology - "Sorry I Washed My Hands in Your Soup . . ."

I thought it was Chet's soup. You know, from accounting? He would have deserved it.